Castle Perilous c-1 Read online

  Castle Perilous

  ( Castle - 1 )

  John Dechancie

  Imagine life in an ironically magical world where 144,000 doors separate fiction from reality. A place that can hypnotize even the most grounded philosophy major and deliver a fantastical rhyme to his reason. A place where a best buddy resembles a shaggy carpet, and adventures surpass a boy's dreams… welcome to Castle Perilous.

  John DeChancie

  Castle Perilous

  Keep — East Wing — Northwest Tower

  Something was following Kwip up the dark spiral stairwell. He was sure of that now. It was something that walked on taloned feet with thickly padded soles. Some inhuman …thing, little doubt. His heart frosting over, Kwip wondered what variety of shrieking nightmare it would be this time.

  That it was intelligent, there could be even less doubt. With calculated stealth it matched him footstep for footstep, masking the click of its nails against stone with the sound of Kwip’s movement up the stairs. When Kwip stopped, it stopped. When he picked up the pace, it followed suit instantaneously. He was sure it wasn’t his imagination.

  As he saw it, panic was one of only two choices, should he find a locked door at the head of the stairwell or should the thing choose to begin sprinting up the stairs in pursuit. The alternative was to draw this sword he had stolen, turn and meet it. A clear choice, but his heart was voting panic! as it banged against his breastbone. His head was somewhat in agreement, but reason still held the deciding ballot. Kwip did not want to start running and give the thing ideas. He was tired. He’d been climbing for hours, it seemed. Running would drain the last of his strength. Doubtless he would need every scintilla if he wished to continue his career in a onepiece body. Lose composure now, and these dark stone walls would be smeared with his innards. Such decor was not to his taste.

  He thought an experiment was in order. Trying to maintain the same interval, he mounted two steps in one stride, then continued normally, listening. The barely audible clicking behind him did not change rhythm. He allowed himself a tiny sigh. He had gained a step on the thing. Try again. He jumped another step with his right foot and did the same with his left, then resumed mounting one per stride. He listened again. Three steps gained …

  The thought occurred to him that he should give serious consideration to changing professions. A thief’s life had much to recommend it, but the dangers were considerable. Case in point, the present moment. Now, if he found the castle’s treasure room, it would all be worthwhile. But for the moment there was the problem of getting through this charming episode.

  With a suddenness that turned Kwip’s bowels to water, the thing behind him began scrabbling up the stairs. Kwip lunged forward, taking six steps at a leap, dashing madly up the twisting passageway. But the thing was heart-freezingly quick, clicking and scuffling in pursuit. It was gaining. The stairwell wound upwards in an unending gyre. For an eternity Kwip ran and was chased.

  Almost before he saw it, the top of the stairwell was upon him. The stairs dead-ended into a blank stone wall.

  With raw fear pumping a last desperate strength into him, Kwip drew his sword, whirled, and charged down the stairs, his demented battle yell rending the silence of the tower.

  He met only emptiness. By the time he was three or four turns down the well, he began to realize that he should have met his pursuer by now. He halted, stumbled, slid down a dozen more steps before he managed to stop himself. He froze and listened. Nothing. Where was it? Had it retreated? Or … gods of a pig’s arse! Had he actually imagined it after all?

  No. Inexplicably, the thing was above, descending the stairs at a leisurely pace. He lurched to his feet. Invisible! The buggering thing was invisible! But was it also incorporeal? He must have charged past it. But, no. There wasn’t room enough.

  Whatever it was, it was coming around the upper turn. Kwip made a motion to flee, but halted. When he saw what it was, his eyes bulged.

  It wasn’t an it, after all. It was a them.

  Feet. They were feet. Two disembodied, taloned, reptilian feet, almost comically monstrous, hollow costume feet looking for all the world to be made of papier-mâché. They came tripping down the stairs. Kwip flattened himself against the wall as they passed. Thunderstruck, Kwip watched. When they disappeared behind the curving stone of the lower turn, he heard them begin to run down. Then he heard laughter, a high, thin, chittering, fading with the footsteps. In a short time the silence of the tower returned.

  Kwip stood in shock, immobile. Then he collapsed to the stone steps, his breath coming in racking heaves.

  When he had composed himself, he rose slowly and sheathed his sword. He felt the front of his breeches. They were wet.

  “Gods of a poxed doxy.”

  He had bepissed himself.

  He scowled and turned up his nose. “Damn me for a small-bladdered, craven —” He stamped his booted foot. “Balls!”

  Presently he began to laugh. At first it was a snicker, turning to crazed giggling. Then he exploded into full-throated laughter, tears coming to his eyes.

  Some sixty stories below. Lord Incarnadine, whose castle this was, passed by the entrance to the stairwell and heard faint echoes of mirth. He paused briefly to listen. Smiling, he wondered who it was. Then he walked on.

  Keep — West Wing — South Wall

  “There you are, Jacoby.”

  The corpulent man with fleshy, hanging jowls and a pendulous double chin turned toward the doorway leading out onto the balcony. “Dalton … my dear fellow.” He smiled, lifted a thin glass of amber liquid to his lips, took a sip, then turned back to take in the sweeping view of the countryside, which, from this high vantage point of the castle, spread for miles to the south and west. There was much of interest.

  Dalton, a tall thin man with graying temples, came out onto the balcony holding a long-stemmed wineglass in one hand and a tan-colored cigarette in a holder in the other. He was dressed in green breechclouts, brown leather doublet, and brown suede boots. He wore a hat of soft green cloth that looked something like a Tam o’ Shanter. From the room behind him came sounds of laughter and pleasant conversation, overlaid with strains of music from antique instruments.

  “How goes the battle?”

  “Well, from here it looks as though the outer wall has been breached.”

  Dalton leaned over the rail of the stone balustrade. “Really?”

  Jacoby, who still preferred the conservative Savile Row tweeds he had arrived with, took another sip. “Yes. Hand-to-hand fighting down there.” He pointed. “Among those outbuildings. Do you see?”

  Dalton peered down. “You’re quite right. We should announce this to the other Guests.” He straightened up and drew a thoughtful puff on his cigarette. “Brings up an interesting question that’s been entirely hypothetical until now. What exactly will our situation be, vis-à-vis the invaders?”

  “Are they aware of us?”

  Dalton shrugged. “Aside from Our Host, I’ve never met anyone who could answer that question with any authority.”

  “I suspect they do. You’re right — Incarnadine would know.”

  “I should think.”

  “Has anyone ever asked him?”

  “I don’t think Our Host has made an appearance since the siege began, several months ago. At least, no one I know has seen him.”

  Jacoby nodded and looked out at the battle again. For miles around, vast armies lay camped on the plains below. From this distance the clumps of brightly colored tents looked like a sprawling, endless carnival or festival. The sprawl stopped at the foot of the rocky promontory upon which Castle Perilous stood. There, hanging against the sheer cliffs, began a massive array of wooden trestles, scaffolds, ramps, and platform
s — the means by which the besieging armies had scaled the heights. Even now troops of soldiers were mounting them in an endless stream from the plains, some dragging huge battle engines up the ramps, using complicated systems of ropes, cranes, and pulleys.

  “There’s a certain inevitability about it all,” Dalton observed. “Our intrepid defenders have given a good account of themselves, but I think the outcome is a foregone conclusion. That army is a wave that can’t be stopped.”

  “You may well be right.”

  “I suppose, then,” Dalton went on, “somebody should approach the other side and find out how the Guests figure into things.”

  “Rumor has it they mean to destroy the castle.”

  Dalton snorted. “I’ve heard that. Ridiculous. Do you know how big this place is on the outside alone? — to say nothing of the worlds of room within. Look down.”

  Jacoby did so.

  “Must be eighty stories to this part of the keep. And look at those towers. How high, would you say?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Have you ever been to the north wall?”

  “No.”

  “It must be a mile distant from us.”

  “That much.” Jacoby didn’t seem oversurprised.

  Dalton’s eyes narrowed. “Yes.” He paused, looking at Jacoby. Then his gaze was drawn out over the rail again. “This has to be the biggest edifice ever constructed. Anywhere.”

  “Must be.”

  Dalton drank from his glass and exhaled noisily. He smiled. “Exquisite, as usual.” He smacked his lips, deliberating. “A bit too fruity, perhaps.”

  “Do you think there’s a chance we’ll be permitted to remain here?”

  “That depends on our future landlords.”

  “Yes. That is, if they succeed in overcoming Lord Incarnadine’s formidable defenses.”

  “Formidable indeed. You missed some of the best battles. Those armored war birds … and the horrific dragon things, spewing fire. Men burning …” Dalton gave an involuntary shudder. “The invaders took heavy losses. But apparently they’ve made them up. So, it just might be a good idea to contact them, apprise them of our neutral position.”

  “Or perhaps offer our assistance.”

  Dalton arched an eyebrow. “And turn against Our Host, after all the hospitality he’s shown us, all of us?”

  “I am not ungrateful.” Jacoby took a drink, then ran a sausagelike index finger around the lip of the glass. “But if he can no longer guarantee my safety, I have no qualms about protecting my best interests by acting as the situation demands.”

  “I can sympathize with that.” Dalton placed his wineglass on the flat stone of the rail.

  “I wonder …”

  “About what?”

  Jacoby gestured with his glass. “About them, the invaders. Who they are. The hosts of some rival lord?”

  “A fair guess. Maybe an alliance of rivals.”

  “Yes. And what are they after? The legendary jewel, perhaps. What’s it called again?”

  “The Brain of Ramthonodox.”

  “Strange.”

  “Appropriate to the place.”

  “Very.”

  Both were silent for a moment. Inside, the ensemble struck up a waltz. Then Dalton said, “This idea of yours — helping the invaders. What could we possibly offer them?”

  “Information?”

  “Concerning what?”

  Jacoby turned a chubby palm upward. “The whereabouts of Our Host, for instance. Doubtless they’ll want him as a prisoner.”

  “But no one knows where he is. He’s probably hiding, and he may have left altogether.”

  “Perhaps we could locate him. Mount an expedition … a search party.”

  “Few of the Guests would participate. And it’s a safe bet the invaders will be looking for him themselves.”

  “No doubt,” Jacoby conceded. “Still, we should make some attempt to find him before the castle falls.”

  “You could hide for years in here,” Dalton said, speaking through teeth clenched on the stem of the cigarette holder. “Forever, maybe.”

  “You’re entirely right, of course. As you said, the immensity of this place is almost beyond imagining.” Jacoby drank the last of the liqueur and placed the glass on the flat stone of the rail. “Escape will be easy, but it will be a pity to lose the castle.” He exhaled and shook his head. “A tragedy.”

  Dalton blew out a stream of smoke. “Yeah. As pleasant as some of the nicer aspects are, I don’t relish the prospect of having to pick one of them to live in permanently. And who’s to say the invaders won’t follow us through the portals and hunt us all down?”

  “I doubt they’d bother with us,” Jacoby said.

  “Well, frankly, I agree. I’m not exactly worried about it. But not being able to come back to the castle would be damned inconvenient. I’d hate to go back to working for a living again.” Dalton sighed. “Still, if it has to be, it has to be. There are a number of very pleasant worlds on the other side of the portals.”

  Jacoby shook his head. “I like it here.”

  “Yes, this place does have its delights — as well as its dangers. But this castle belongs to someone else. You would be forever a Guest, never an owner.”

  “I feel … alive here,” Jacoby said with sudden animation. “This magnificent construct …” He turned and lifted his head to look up the high wall of the keep. “This colossal monument to power — it excites me. You say never an owner? I can’t bear the thought of it. Anything is possible here. Anything.”

  Dalton did not look up. He was eyeing Jacoby circumspectly.

  “I want to —” Jacoby felt Dalton’s gaze, turned back toward the rail and gave a slightly self-conscious smile. “You’ll forgive me, but my experiences here so far have given me an overwhelming sense of freedom, of promise. I can’t quite … well, it’s exhilarating; to say the least. And the newfound powers, these abilities I’ve acquired —”

  “Don’t let it go to your head. We’ve all acquired them, to varying degrees.”

  Jacoby’s smile faded into something akin to indignation. “I’d be willing to wager that mine are more than usually developed, for such a recent arrival.”

  “I have no reason to doubt you.”

  Jacoby’s smile crept back. “Do forgive me.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Since we’re on the subject, do you mind giving me a small demonstration of your own abilities? I hear they’re quite advanced.”

  “Well …”

  “Please. I’d be very interested — if you don’t mind.” Jacoby’s smile was warm.

  Dalton nodded, stubbed out his cigarette on the rail, and slipped the holder into a leather pouch attached to a wide belt around his waist. He picked up the wine glass, drank the last of its contents, and replaced it on the rail. He then extended a stiffened right hand perpendicular to the ground, aiming it in the direction of the glass. His hand began to vibrate slightly. At the same time he commenced an unintelligible, monotonous chanting.

  Presently the glass rose tentatively from the stone to a height of perhaps a few inches. It stopped and hung there, rotating slowly about its longer axis and processing lazily. This went on for a few moments; then, abruptly, the glass fell to the rail, toppled over without breaking, and rolled. Dalton quickly reached out and saved it from falling over the far edge.

  “Damn. Lost it there. I can usually hold it for about a minute before my concentration breaks.” He set the glass upright and turned to Jacoby.

  “Still, very impressive,” Jacoby said. “You use a mnemonic phrase?”

  “Yes. It seems to help focus the forces … whatever.”

  “I see. Very good. Very good indeed. And now me.”

  Dalton’s body suddenly went rigid, his expression turning first to one of puzzlement, then to alarm. “What …? What is it?”

  “Me,” Jacoby said.

  “I —” His next words were choked off. With jerky, marion
ettelike movements, he started edging toward the rail. His face drained and his eyes grew round with fear. His right leg spasmed, rose, lowered, then rose again until his foot was even with the rail of the balustrade. He slid forward until he straddled the rail, knocking his empty wineglass over the side in the process.

  Jacoby, meanwhile, was standing ramrod straight, the pupils of his eyes shining like tiny polished black stones. His jaw muscles clenched and relaxed spasmodically, making his jowls shake. The loose, bloated sac of his chin quivered.

  Resisting fiercely every inch of the way, Dalton lowered himself over the rail. The process was agonizingly slow.

  “You see,” Jacoby said when Dalton was hanging by both hands. “My powers, are to be reckoned with even at this early stage.”

  “Yes … you —”

  “There is total freedom here. One only needs the will to do what one desires, without fear of retribution.”

  “Let me up.”

  “I could let you drop.”

  Dalton started to raise himself.

  “I could, you know. I doubt if any of the other Guests would bat an eye.”

  Dalton’s body shook and grew rigid again. “Pl-please!” he managed to say in a strangled gasp. His left hand withdrew from the rail.

  “There you dangle, eighty stories up,” Jacoby said. “Subject to my will.”

  Dalton emitted a muffled scream.

  “I could let you drop.” Jacoby’s body relaxed, his jowls going loose once again. “But not today.”

  Dalton’s left arm shot up to hook over the rail. With some effort he hauled himself upward until he was able to throw one leg over. Struggling, he inched upward until he was straddling the rail again, then slid off and fell to the flagstone floor of the balcony. After a long moment he got up on all fours, then lurched to his feet. His face was bloodless, tinted with ghastly shades of green.

  Jacoby looked at his glass. “I need a drink,” he said, and walked inside.

  It was some time before Dalton followed.