Bride of the Castle c-8 Page 13

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  "I'm telling you," Hochstader 3 insisted, "I didn't have anything to do with the life-switching scam."

  "One of you has something to do with it," Max said.

  "Not necessarily true, if you mean one of us, here." Hochstader 108 was the standard issue, maybe a tad younger-looking than Hochstader 3. The only thing really different about him was that he was decked out in some ridiculous medieval outfit: doublet and hose. The anachronistic note of orange athletic shoes somehow failed to be jarring.

  "Okay, one of an infinite number of you," Max amended. "But somebody's responsible, and his name is Hochstader, and both your names are Hochstader."

  "But neither of us cooked up the life-swap con," said 3. "Get that through your head. We're variants of each other, but we're both innocent. Got that?"

  "Yeah, I guess. Jeez, this is so gonzo, so absolutely far out.

  "Right, but it's not totally incomprehensible."

  "Sure, it's all so simple," Max sneered. "Here we are in King Iodine's castle-"

  "Incarnadine."

  "Whatever-and there are an infinite number of portals and magical doors, and pretty soon Rod Serling is going to come out of the woodwork and start talking to the camera." The Hochstaders shrugged at each other.

  "So," said 3, "what do we do?"

  "Well," said 108, "first we'll have to get you back to your variant of the castle."

  "Got any suggestions?"

  Hochstader 108 leaned back in his swivel chair and thought about it. "I might, if I knew anything about tuning a portal. You seem to know a bit about it."

  "I admit I've fiddled with the idea."

  "Wait a minute. Didn't Max find you in that office?"

  "Sure, I opened the portal and rented the office, or vice versa. But I hadn't started anything. I was just thinking about possible approaches, when Max barged in and started yammering about how I hoodwinked him."

  "You must have had some swindle in mind," said 108.

  "1 resent that. I was doing research into probability universe variants. It all relates to quantum theory."

  "Yeah, I'll bet," scoffed 108.

  "Listen, I know you. Hell, I am you. And we've done some sneaky things in the past."

  "Yeah," 3 admitted, "sure, the computer scams. But that's the past."

  "And this is the present. What were you really up to?"

  Hochstader 3 sighed. "Oh, I admit, I was toying with some ideas. Like, noting a stock trend in one world before it started in another. But there's no guarantee these kinds of phenomena will cross worlds. Anyway, stuff like that. But as long as I thought about it, I couldn't come up with any surefire scheme to make money."

  Hochstader 108 nodded. "Yeah, I've always been aware of the possibilities…'

  "See!" said 3 accusingly.

  "I said we're more alike than you're willing to admit. Sure, you'd think that there'd be some way to milk some bucks out of a thing like this." He gestured expansively. "Out of something like the castle. Hell, you could charge a mint for people to come and stay here."

  Hochstader 3's brow went up. "Hey. I never thought of that.

  "Of course, Lord Inky wouldn't take to that too kindly, but you might be able to get away with it if you stuck your guests in some far part of the castle. A little dangerous, maybe, but what the hell."

  "Nah," said 3, shaking his head. "Inky would be all over you like a cheap suit."

  "Eventually," 108 agreed. "But my question is, why do it at all?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "You have the castle, and everything in it, and access to any world you want. Why do you need money?" Hochstader 3 considered it. At length he shrugged. "I dunno. I guess money's superfluous."

  "Right."

  "Habit, I guess."

  "Ri-i-i-ght." Hochstader 108 nodded sagely.

  "But I still gotta get back to my variant castle," 3, went on. "I mean, both of us can't be here."

  "Nope, it'd be confusing. And they'd miss you back at your place."

  "So, what do we do?"

  "Well…" Hochstader 108 turned to the terminal. "We have to summon a portal first."

  "I have a question," Max said as he came back from a self-guided tour of the mainframe computer.

  "Fire away," said 3. "Er, I mean…"

  Max was still holding the minitranslator. He looked at it and smiled. "Don't worry. I'm not a violent person. It's just that I felt pushed up against the wall."

  "I kind of understand. What's your question?"

  "Which one of you is the real Hochstader? Or is neither of you the real one?"

  Hochstader 108 nodded to Hochstader 3. "You take it."

  "An interesting question," said 3. "But I'm not sure it has any real meaning."

  "So all your variants are equally real?"

  "Could be."

  "I doubt it," said 108. "It's like holding up a mirror to a mirror. You get a startling effect, and you can't tell a reflection from the real thing. But as soon as you quit playing with mirrors, all the reflections cease to exist."

  Hochstader 3 smiled. "Yeah, but exactly who ceases to exist and who remains real."

  "Only time will tell, pal. Okay, check the portal." Hochstader 3 rose and went to the curtain. He was about to move it aside when he looked back at his double with suspicion.

  "Hey, it just occurred to me to ask why you have this curtain up if you haven't been fiddling with portals."

  "I told you I was thinking about opening up a door to Earth here. Wanted to duck back sometime. But there's still a warrant out for me, you know."

  Hochstader 3 grinned: "And you were going to search for an Earth where there wasn't a warrant out. Right?"

  Hochstader's reciprocating grin was a trifle sheepish. "I suppose the notion was floating around in my mind."

  "Such as it is," 3 said with a wink. He peeked through the curtain.

  "The office is here. Now, just how did you do that?"

  Hochstader 3 shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess."

  "Oh, sure. But I'm confused now. How do I get back to my variant of the castle?"

  "Try going through and waiting a bit. I'll tune out, and something should replace my variant with another. With any luck, it ought to be yours."

  "Yeah? I don't understand…."

  "Listen, try relying less on technology and more on your magic talents."

  "Magic isn't my strong suit."

  "Use what talent you have. Castle people never lose their talents, once they get them, and they never lose the castle. You can always find your way back somehow."

  "I guess you're right," said 3. "Well, okay."

  Max watched the well-dressed Hochstader disappear behind the curtain.

  "Say, where does that leave me?"

  Hochstader 108 was busy at the terminal. After a few typistly flourishes, he poked a final key. "Press `Enter,' " he said with satisfaction.

  Max walked to the curtain and looked behind it. Stone. He turned to the remaining Hochstader with a distrusting frown. "What's the idea?"

  "Screw him."

  "Why?"

  "Not only is he a nogoodnik, he's not so smart."

  "What happened to him?"

  Hochstader shrugged. "Who cares? He's gone, lost in the quantum flux of possibilities."

  Max raised the minitranslator.

  Hochstader eyed it calmly. "That probably won't work in here."

  "I wasn't going to use it." Max tossed the weapon on the counter of the work station. "You don't care about your twin?"

  "He wasn't a twin. He was a reflection. Besides-" Hochstader 108 put his stockinged legs up on the counter. "I'm the real Jeremy Hochstader."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  The huge chapel was empty save for a few servants sweeping up. The guests had departed, as had the priests and the choir. The altar held innumerable candles, all now snuffed out, wax drippings frozen and hard.

  The bride, dressed in white, sat alone on the steps of the altar. The veil an
d the bouquet lay at her feet.

  Melanie came walking across the great stone floor. She approached Linda cautiously.

  She asked, "Are you all right?"

  "Sure."

  "This is absolutely… I mean, it's absolutely terrible."

  "I'm relieved."

  "What?"

  Linda grinned. "I'm relieved Gene didn't show up."

  Melanie was incredulous. "You are? But really, when it looked as though he wouldn't show, we should have called it off."

  "Nah. I wanted to go through with it. There was a good chance he would have showed up in time."

  Melanie frowned, skeptically. "You're not at all upset?"

  "Oh, I'm good and ticked off at Gene. I'm going to punch him."

  "He deserves it."

  "Yes, but he didn't mean to hurt me. He's just that way. Got tied up in some war or revolution, something big and important, and he couldn't get away. He may even be in trouble."

  "Oh." Melanie sat on the steps. "Well, when you put it that way…"

  "I'm still going to deck him. He shouldn't have left in the first place."

  "What a rotten thing. I'd be upset as hell."

  "Don't worry about it. Gene's going to take a verbal licking from everybody, especially Deena. I get to play the injured party, and the wedding is off indefinitely, and that suits me fine."

  "Really? You've finally decided that getting married is a bad idea?"

  "Not in principle," Linda said. "With Gene, it just might be a bad idea. Besides, something else has come up."

  "Oh? What?"

  Linda smiled slyly.

  Melanie said, "Uh-oh. Someone else?"

  "Yup."

  "Oh. Well, in that case- Uh, I guess I'm not going to get it out of you, huh?"

  Linda, still smiling, shook her head.

  "I thought so. Congratulations, I guess. Anyone I know?" Linda kept up an enigmatically self-satisfied smile. "You can't even tell me that? Someone off in some aspect, maybe?"

  "Let's just say he's a very important man."

  "Great. Good for you. I hope you're happy."

  "I am. I'm his official mistress."

  Melanie's green eyes went wide. "What? Oh. Official, eh? I've never- Wait a minute, I guess I have been someone's official mistress. What am I talking about? Sure. But, you mean like, official official?"

  "Oh, the title is only half-serious. But a mistress is a mistress. Let's face it, that's what you are when you sleep with a guy with no assurance of his making an honest woman out of you."

  "What a phrase," Melanie sneered. "Anyway, I guess you're right. The rat."

  "He's not a rat. He has responsibilities, that sort of thing."

  "Yeah, they always do. So, you love him?"

  "I can't help but. If you knew, you'd understand."

  Melanie shrugged. "I thought I loved Chad. And I'm glad I had his twins, but…"

  "I haven't seen your kids in ages, come to think of it."

  "They're at day care mostly. You should see the place. It's literally a palace. They love it."

  "I'll have to drop by there someday. Anyway, you were saying?"

  "About Chad? I used to think I loved him, but- You know, it seems like so long ago. As if I was a child then. I guess I was. Done a lot of growing up since. He was a dork, Chad was. A big, bumbling, goofy dork of a guy-nice, but not very interesting. Just your basic… you know, guy."

  "Sure."

  "Yeah. And that was that, and that was then, and this is now, and… I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say."

  "I do," Linda said. "What you're trying to say is that you have one life and you live it, you take it one day at a time. You fall in love, maybe, and if you're lucky it's nice. If you're not, not."

  "Simple," Melanie said, nodding.

  "Yup. That's life. What it's all about."

  "So, you really love this new guy."

  "Yes. You really couldn't find a better one."

  "No?"

  "No. You couldn't possibly. He… he's the top. He's like Superman."

  "Holy heck. You fell in love with Superman?"

  "Call me Lois Lane."

  "Wow. Hope I get to meet him someday."

  Linda snickered.

  Melanie said, "I do know him?" Melanie began to think furiously.

  "You'll never guess in a million years," Linda said.

  Melanie narrowed her eyes. "Is he married?"

  "Yes.

  Melanie nodded cynically. "I get it. Mistress. Boy, that's rotten."

  "You mean I'm rotten, for doing dirt to his wife."

  "No, that's not what I-"

  "But you should have said it. It's true. I'm a homewrecker. The Other Woman. But hell, I think-I don't know for sure, but it's probably true-I think he has many women. And wives. All over the place."

  "No kidding. He-" Melanie did a take. "Huh?"

  "Never mind, kid. I love him, and that's all there is to it."

  "If you say so." Melanie furrowed her brow in thought.

  "Sure is a big church," Linda said abstractedly.

  "Yeah. Listen, tell me this. You mean if Gene had showed up, you would have married him?"

  "Of course."

  Melanie began to reply, but decided against it. After a moment she said simply, "Oh."

  A noise came from the vestibule of the chapel: a strange and incongruous sound, given the location: the clopping of horse's hooves. The girls looked up in curiosity and puzzlement.

  A magnificent white stallion burst out onto the floor, running full tilt toward the altar. The girls remained seated, transfixed at the strange sight. At the last second the rider reined the horse in and skidded to a stop. The animal reared, neighing its dismay. Then it stamped its feet, snorting angrily.

  The rider was Gene, dressed in furs and leather. He dismounted.

  "You'd better have a good excuse," Linda said.

  "We were captured by barbarians," Gene replied.

  "You're going to have to do better than that."

  "It happens to be true. Anyway, I'm here," he said. "Where is everybody?"

  "Left," Linda said. "The wedding was supposed to be two hours ago."

  "You should have waited. Really, I fully intended to show up on time, but ran into a pack of bandits on the way back from Orem. That's the capital city. We besieged it, and… well, it's a long story."

  "I'm sure," Linda said.

  Gene took a deep breath and looked around. "Place is deserted. Did anyone show up?"

  "Sure."

  "Inky?"

  "Nope."

  "Oh. Well, then…"

  "Gene, you really shouldn't have left when you did."

  "Honest, Linda, we had no choice. Snowy and I were just lounging around, and over the hill comes this horde, this… it was amazing. You should have seen all the-"

  "I'm sure you have a good excuse, Gene," Linda said wearily. "You always do."

  "Hey, listen. Linda, I'm sorry. I really am."

  "I know."

  Gene was amazed. "You know?"

  "Yup. It's okay."

  "It's okay?"

  "Sure. It wasn't your fault."

  "No, it wasn't. We literally got carried away. I mean, we could have come back sooner, an opportunity presented itself now and then, but there was an empire at stake, and a civilization. We had to save it."

  "I understand."

  "You do?" Gene sat on the steps. "I must say, you're taking this awfully well."

  "What else can I do?"

  "Well, I don't know. Yell at me a little."

  "What good would it do?"

  "None, I'm afraid. I'm incorrigible."

  "You are. You're a big overgrown kid."

  Gene looked sheepishly contrite. "Yeah. Sorry."

  "It's okay."

  "So." Gene rubbed his hands together nervously. "Shall we reschedule?"

  "Let's talk it about it later."

  "Oh. Sure, sure."

  Linda stood up. She waved both hands, an
d her wedding dress disappeared, replaced by shorts, tights, boots, and blouse.

  "Whew, glad to get out of those duds. Gene, come here."

  "Uh, okay."

  Gene went over to her. Linda balled her fist and hit him a good one in the stomach.

  Gent went "Whoof!" and doubled over.

  "Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest." Melanie looked away, laughing.

  "I guess-" Gene bent over again until he finally caught his breath. "Guess I deserved that."

  "You certainly did. And if you hit me back, I'll turn you into a toad."

  "I wouldn't hit you back, you know that."

  Melanie had to laugh. "You two are so silly together."

  "Aren't we?" Linda said. "Ike and Mike. Frick and Frack."

  "Who's that?" Gene said, pointing.

  "Hm? Oh, that's Rance."

  Rubbing his stomach, Gene watched the newcomer stroll toward the altar.

  "Say, he looks familiar. Maybe it's his getup."

  Melanie said, "Yeah, it's kind of in the same period as yours, sort of. Only more refined."

  "He is a nobleman," Linda said. "Or said he was. Warlord, something like that."

  "Hello!" Gene called.

  Rance brought his gaze down from the ornately carved rafters. He assessed the person who addressed him, then advanced.

  "Greetings," Rance said.

  "I'm Gene. Gene Ferraro."

  "A pleasure, Gene Ferraro." The two men shook hands.

  "Listen, just seeing you like this, for the first time, an idea occurred to me."

  Rance arched one eyebrow. "You don't say?"

  "Yes. Do you have any executive experience?"

  "I don't quite know what you- Well, I suppose I do. Yes, in running my estate, Corcindor. And then there's my family's seat in the Council of Lords."

  "Great," Gene said. "I know of a job opening. Interested?"

  "Well… actually-"

  "We can talk. Have you dined yet, Rance?"

  "Why, no."

  "Would you care to? We can discuss this."

  "I would be honored, Gene Ferraro."

  "Call me Gene. You see, there's this empire, the Empire of Orem. Now, a little while ago my army took the place and we… "

  The two men walked away, talking business.

  Linda sighed. "Well, that's that." She turned around, "What a beautiful horse."

  Melanie had gone to it and was now rubbing its sleek neck. "Isn't he a stunner?" she asked.